I am the marketing/publicity chair for the Stow/Munroe Falls Relay For Life. I ask myself, how did this happen? Am I up to the task? Will I embarrass myself? I have never even been to a relay for life.
I am going to dedicate this to Uncle Joe. He was such a complicated man, but he was so good to me. He died almost 4 years ago. It was an amazing fight up to the very end and taught me so much about death and dying with grace.
Don't get me wrong, he was miserly and cranky, and set in his ways. His nose spray that he made my mom concoct because he did not want to spend $2.00 a bottle, the shirts that he was mad that Ann and Laura got rid of even though they were falling apart. The fact that he wanted me to go to Goodwill of the Salvation Army to get him new ones because he wasn't going to spend top dollar for new ones. If something cost $2.93, he would make sure you got your seven cents back, and he expected the same in return. I told him I was good for a stick of deoderant but he paid me back after asking for the receipt. But he was also generous with his love and compassion and showed me a better way to be. He is the one that finally got through to me that life doesn't have to be as hard as I was making it.
That was the best gift that anyone has ever given me. I wish he was still here to keep telling me. I wish he was still here so that Ryan could know him. I think they would have really enjoyed each other.
So here is to you Uncle Joe. You will never be forgotten.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
My Own Worst Enemy
I have circled back on my obsessive/compulsive mind to the fact that I am my own worst enemy, and only I can make myself happy. Nobody else is responsible for where I am in my life, although there are a few people that I like to blame.
It is my own fault that I do not take action to make a career change. The devil I know is better than the one I don't. It doesn't matter that I am frozen with boredom and mind numbing fear. It is easy to float along because I know that I am good at it and it pays the bills. After all, I am still responsible for two litte boys (and one big one) that like to eat and have a warm, dry place to lay their head at night. Okay, Ryan does not like to lay his head down for any reason at night, but that is another entry in itself. There I go again, blaming others.
It is my own fault that I wallow in anxiety and depression hoping that Lexapro and Wellbutrin will keep me out of the deep abyss of darkness long enough to make it through another day. In fact, I know that one of the main reasons that I am in this twisty dark place is because I won't take that next step that I need to take to change my life to where it needs to be.
With this in mind, here are some goals that I am setting for myself.
That is enough for now. It is a start that is long overdue.
It is my own fault that I do not take action to make a career change. The devil I know is better than the one I don't. It doesn't matter that I am frozen with boredom and mind numbing fear. It is easy to float along because I know that I am good at it and it pays the bills. After all, I am still responsible for two litte boys (and one big one) that like to eat and have a warm, dry place to lay their head at night. Okay, Ryan does not like to lay his head down for any reason at night, but that is another entry in itself. There I go again, blaming others.
It is my own fault that I wallow in anxiety and depression hoping that Lexapro and Wellbutrin will keep me out of the deep abyss of darkness long enough to make it through another day. In fact, I know that one of the main reasons that I am in this twisty dark place is because I won't take that next step that I need to take to change my life to where it needs to be.
With this in mind, here are some goals that I am setting for myself.
- I will attend any author presentation coming to the area. I have called Ann to make sure that she alerts me to any of these opportunities.
- I will join the Association of Fundraising Professionals. How do I change my career path if I don't know anyone that does this type of thing. I need to network with them, and this seems to be a good way to do it. I have e-mailed the membership chair to see what I have to do to become a member if I am not affiliated with any fundraising organization.
- I will try to get a shower and out of my sweatpants on a daily basis. There is no guarantee that I will do this, but I will make an effort, starting tomorrow.
- I have started to go to Church. I am not a religious person, but perhaps seeing the world outside of these walls will enlighten me to see what I can not see on my own in my twisty dark place.
That is enough for now. It is a start that is long overdue.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Skunk Bottom
Last Monday Ryan started Play And Learn Preschool. This was a monumental day for us as he has been so excited to start school and get homework like Colin. When he woke up that morning I asked him what he wanted to wear because he was starting school. His reply was that he didn't think so. Meaning he didn't think he was going to go to school that day. After we discussed that for about 20 minutes we decided to let that arguement go and move on to what snack he would take.
We walked up to the kitchen and I started to name his choices. It had to be a healthy snack that did not have crumbs. I started with a cheese stick then moved on to a muffin, wheat thins, pretzels, yogurt, apple, banana, and so on. Finally, giving in to frustration I said that he was getting Cheese nips and that was that. He said in a way that only Ryan can that he couldn't take them because they tasted like skunk bottom. Confused I asked him what he meant. He said that they tasted like the taste that gets in your mouth when you drive by a dead skunk. At this point I am beyond frustrated and we had been having the snack conversation for about 10 minutes and it was getting close to time to leave. I said that Cheese Nips could not possibly taste like skunk bottom. At the same time I was thinking that I had never tasted skunk bottom. I said that I would eat one and he would eat one and that I was sure that they did not taste that bad. I ate one and it wasn't that bad and I told him so. His reply was "wait for it." I'll be damned but a few seconds later I got an after taste that tasted exactly like the taste you get in your mouth when you drive by a dead skunk.
My new favorate reply when something tastes bad is that it tastes like skunk ass.
The drop off was a bit dicey but he did get out of the car. No tears were spilled by either of us, and when I called Lynn later to see how it went he said it was great!
We will never buy Cheese Nips again. I don't care if they are on sale.
We walked up to the kitchen and I started to name his choices. It had to be a healthy snack that did not have crumbs. I started with a cheese stick then moved on to a muffin, wheat thins, pretzels, yogurt, apple, banana, and so on. Finally, giving in to frustration I said that he was getting Cheese nips and that was that. He said in a way that only Ryan can that he couldn't take them because they tasted like skunk bottom. Confused I asked him what he meant. He said that they tasted like the taste that gets in your mouth when you drive by a dead skunk. At this point I am beyond frustrated and we had been having the snack conversation for about 10 minutes and it was getting close to time to leave. I said that Cheese Nips could not possibly taste like skunk bottom. At the same time I was thinking that I had never tasted skunk bottom. I said that I would eat one and he would eat one and that I was sure that they did not taste that bad. I ate one and it wasn't that bad and I told him so. His reply was "wait for it." I'll be damned but a few seconds later I got an after taste that tasted exactly like the taste you get in your mouth when you drive by a dead skunk.
My new favorate reply when something tastes bad is that it tastes like skunk ass.
The drop off was a bit dicey but he did get out of the car. No tears were spilled by either of us, and when I called Lynn later to see how it went he said it was great!
We will never buy Cheese Nips again. I don't care if they are on sale.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Things you never think you will say...
Now that I am a mother, especially of boys, I find myself saying things I never thought I would say. For instance, one I have to repeat over and over is "nobody can be naked in my kitchen." I think that should be self explanitory. Apparently I am wrong. All three of them walk through my kitchen in various stages of undress. ALL THE TIME.
Another one would be "don't sit on your brother's head." I have managed to make it through 38 years and have never wrestled for the fun of it. My boys can not be in the same room for 38 seconds before one of them starts poking at the other. It starts with a look, then a jab, a kick, a slap, and before I can blink it is no holds barred to the death for them.
This is something that I will be updating as they happen.
Another one would be "don't sit on your brother's head." I have managed to make it through 38 years and have never wrestled for the fun of it. My boys can not be in the same room for 38 seconds before one of them starts poking at the other. It starts with a look, then a jab, a kick, a slap, and before I can blink it is no holds barred to the death for them.
This is something that I will be updating as they happen.
Monday, August 31, 2009
The One That Completes Our Family
Ryan is four going on ten. He is 5.5 years younger than Colin which is exactly the same difference between my oldest sister and me. That gives me hope that one day they will finally get along.
It is shocking to me how two kids from the same gene pool can be so different. Ryan is outgoing and funny. He has never met a stranger, and never has a bad day. He is strong in both mind and body. He is smart as a whip and constantly shocks me with the way he thinks. He is big for his age and most people don't believe me when I say he is only four. It might also be confusing when he is using words that some adults don't understand.
Ryan will use his charm on anybody at any time to get his way. I am finally immune to it, but it still gets me every once in a while. When he had tubes put into his ears at 14 months the nurses were so charmed they did not want to do anything to hurt him, even though it was necessary for us to go home.
Ryan is also loud. That might not be enough to describe him. He is like listening to a jackhammer all day. He never stops talking and if he has nothing to say he will just sing whatever song is on his mind. None of this ever takes place at a conversation level or tone, it is done at earth-shaking levels. Yesterday he was screaming at Colin and my neighbor across the street thought it was one of her cats screaming and went to investigate. It was just another day at our house with Ryan.
In every way imaginable, Ryan completes us. He looks like Dave's dad and has his temperment, but he is as stubborn as me and that is saying something. He is the final spoke on our wheel and holds us all together. He was definately worth the wait.
It is shocking to me how two kids from the same gene pool can be so different. Ryan is outgoing and funny. He has never met a stranger, and never has a bad day. He is strong in both mind and body. He is smart as a whip and constantly shocks me with the way he thinks. He is big for his age and most people don't believe me when I say he is only four. It might also be confusing when he is using words that some adults don't understand.
Ryan will use his charm on anybody at any time to get his way. I am finally immune to it, but it still gets me every once in a while. When he had tubes put into his ears at 14 months the nurses were so charmed they did not want to do anything to hurt him, even though it was necessary for us to go home.
Ryan is also loud. That might not be enough to describe him. He is like listening to a jackhammer all day. He never stops talking and if he has nothing to say he will just sing whatever song is on his mind. None of this ever takes place at a conversation level or tone, it is done at earth-shaking levels. Yesterday he was screaming at Colin and my neighbor across the street thought it was one of her cats screaming and went to investigate. It was just another day at our house with Ryan.
In every way imaginable, Ryan completes us. He looks like Dave's dad and has his temperment, but he is as stubborn as me and that is saying something. He is the final spoke on our wheel and holds us all together. He was definately worth the wait.
Friday, August 28, 2009
My First Born
When people ask me how old I am and I am distracted, I will often say 28, even though I am really 38. My life as I knew it ended on February 7th, 2000 as that was the day that God brought Colin into my life.
Colin is a very complex child. He is anxious but is also laid back. He always worries about the littlest things but will almost always go with the flow. He is incredibly, painfully shy. In short, he is a minny me.
He looks almost identical to pictures of my dad at his age. He is tall and thin, and when he starts to grow his ears are the first thing to start. For about a week or two he is out of proportion and then it seems like overnight it is back to normal.
Colin has a sock problem. He will only wear white socks that do not have extra cushion on the bottom. They can not have any color on the bottom and they have to have a seamless toe. For the last 5 years he would only wear socks from the Stride Rite store, but recently he grew out of them. This is a problem of epic proportions for this household. When he grew out of the baby socks from Old Navy it took me about 3 months and $100 to find an acceptable replacement.
Colin changed my life in so many ways. He makes me laugh out loud every day. He can also push my buttons when he wants to, but usually reserves that for special occasions. He was not an easy baby, but he is a great joy to me now that he is older. He will usually do what I ask him to do if I can get his attention, and he tolerates his younger brother. I think that is only because he feels responsible for him. I told him he could have a sibling if he asked God and God said it was OK. A few months later we were expecting and he was so proud of himself. That was an interesting conversation with the babysitter. Apparently the kids were all talking about where babies come from. He managed to convince five four-year olds that he was responsible for our baby. It made it quite convenient because he still hasn't asked how babies are made. It also taught him that prayers can be answered.
Every day I ask him if he knows how much I love him. I don't think he ever will.
Colin is a very complex child. He is anxious but is also laid back. He always worries about the littlest things but will almost always go with the flow. He is incredibly, painfully shy. In short, he is a minny me.
He looks almost identical to pictures of my dad at his age. He is tall and thin, and when he starts to grow his ears are the first thing to start. For about a week or two he is out of proportion and then it seems like overnight it is back to normal.
Colin has a sock problem. He will only wear white socks that do not have extra cushion on the bottom. They can not have any color on the bottom and they have to have a seamless toe. For the last 5 years he would only wear socks from the Stride Rite store, but recently he grew out of them. This is a problem of epic proportions for this household. When he grew out of the baby socks from Old Navy it took me about 3 months and $100 to find an acceptable replacement.
Colin changed my life in so many ways. He makes me laugh out loud every day. He can also push my buttons when he wants to, but usually reserves that for special occasions. He was not an easy baby, but he is a great joy to me now that he is older. He will usually do what I ask him to do if I can get his attention, and he tolerates his younger brother. I think that is only because he feels responsible for him. I told him he could have a sibling if he asked God and God said it was OK. A few months later we were expecting and he was so proud of himself. That was an interesting conversation with the babysitter. Apparently the kids were all talking about where babies come from. He managed to convince five four-year olds that he was responsible for our baby. It made it quite convenient because he still hasn't asked how babies are made. It also taught him that prayers can be answered.
Every day I ask him if he knows how much I love him. I don't think he ever will.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
My Other Half
Lets talk a little bit about my Husband, Dave. He is the love of my life, but sometimes I forget that fact. He is gentle and kind and loving. He is shy, naive and very funny. He is a great father and loves our kids unconditionally in a way that I envy. He has patience to spare and lends some to me when I get past my breaking point, which seems to be often. Some might say he is the stereotypical guy-next-door.
He is also frustrating beyond belief. He is stubborn and can be passive aggressive with the best of them. If it comes to a sporting event that he wants to attend (of which there are MANY) he will find a way to go. He can be selfish without even realizing he is doing it. Sometimes he is selfish just to be a jerk.
In short, he is a typical man.
Neither of us can remember the first time we actually met. He was just part of the background of college. He used to deliver the mail to the part of the library where I worked. The ladies that I worked with did not really like the guy I was seeing at the time and wanted me to go out with "the mailman" instead. Eventually I saw the light and wanted to go out with him, but it seemed he lost interest. I then launched my plan to woo him back. Several mutual friends knew I wanted to date him and got us together for a group project in one of our classes. He said if I typed the project he would take me to dinner and the movies. I typed the paper, he took me to Chi Chi's and to see "A Few Good Men". When he was leaving he kissed my forehead. I had to actually ask if we had been on a date. It turns out we were. Who knew.
The rest, 15 years later, is history. We have had a pretty good life. Quite a few ups and quite a few downs, but such is life.
I wouldn't want to share mine with anyone else.
He is also frustrating beyond belief. He is stubborn and can be passive aggressive with the best of them. If it comes to a sporting event that he wants to attend (of which there are MANY) he will find a way to go. He can be selfish without even realizing he is doing it. Sometimes he is selfish just to be a jerk.
In short, he is a typical man.
Neither of us can remember the first time we actually met. He was just part of the background of college. He used to deliver the mail to the part of the library where I worked. The ladies that I worked with did not really like the guy I was seeing at the time and wanted me to go out with "the mailman" instead. Eventually I saw the light and wanted to go out with him, but it seemed he lost interest. I then launched my plan to woo him back. Several mutual friends knew I wanted to date him and got us together for a group project in one of our classes. He said if I typed the project he would take me to dinner and the movies. I typed the paper, he took me to Chi Chi's and to see "A Few Good Men". When he was leaving he kissed my forehead. I had to actually ask if we had been on a date. It turns out we were. Who knew.
The rest, 15 years later, is history. We have had a pretty good life. Quite a few ups and quite a few downs, but such is life.
I wouldn't want to share mine with anyone else.
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